Prepare to graduate 2

so finally I am going to graduate soon. Feel like there a lot to think but I donno which one to start from. First, before graduating, I had knew a few good friends and it sad to leave them because we r ending our course soon. Yesterday was the last day of school in imu and I am actually the presenter. I feel that times actually flies and when I saw  everyone face in front of me I was thinking maybe this is the last time I will see them in my life. Thks is the last time BP115 will gather as a whole. Even though I don’t really know each and everyone but it still sad to know that we are splitting and going towards the next chapter of life. Yesterday was also my final time to have a surprise celebration to my friend. We went for dinner and singing K. Looking at her face I felt sad. I am a special kind of people and sometimes I need to suppress the feeling to not approach her. It’s sad to know that soon I am not going to meet her. It’s actually good for her to leave me sooner because I felt that I am very hazardous to her. It’s hard to control my feeling and I don’t know when I will lost control of it. Leaving is the best options for both of us but it hurts me like hell. I hope some days she can meet someone that was meant for her and I am sorry that I had dragged you for a small period of time. I will take this secret into my grave and I will let her go by not telling her anything. Leaving her and saw a smile on her face is all I want to get. I am truly sorry that I am not the one that have the qualifications for her. Not for anyone in this world. I am just a freak with a abnormal thoughts. I hate to have this thoughts and I hate to admit it. But in actual life I am just a normal human where suppressing my feeling is a very hard, sad and hurtful things to do. I am sorry to have this thought and I hope that u will never know about it. Let’s just graduate peacefully and then walk in separate ways.        

 Time to leave the ivory tower
We shall climb higher and look further
We're leaving our salad days behind

and start chasing our dreams ahead

Give an embrace to the unknown future

Opportunities are always hidden in dangers
Lift our head and spread our wings
To touch the sky and reach the stars

The moments we spent together

The memories I'll always hold 
Would it take long to recognise me
If we happened to meet after years? 

Clueless

Clueless

My best friend, My sister

She is leaving us and doesn't even know

She swept herself off with her own two feet

i have had the patience 

But her heart is gone

Time begins to roll

and rear its ugly head

change begins

now a little less than before

slowly, surely

not knowing why

faster. stonger, without care

our world shifts, shimmers and split

shattered shards, cascade down

Ignorance faces, stone deaf ears

spurred by angry, lashing words

the enclosure surrounded

distance apart

time is up

leaving no clues.

Depression

so, I am currently in sem 4 student with lots of problems to face. First, family problem, that happen when my mum start to have ghost or god went inside her body. Everyone in the family knows that she is faking all the time but my dad decides to believe her. Second, academic problem, i failed my sem 3 and have a resit. then when the actual result comes out, i get 2.99 CGPA. This is the first time i get such a low CGPA. That day, i almost killed myself. Thinking that everything around me went wrong but i choose not to because failure is a stepping stone to success and i believe i can do better in sem 4. However, in sem 4, i seems to lost confident in the study.

Third, friendship problem. Actually i thought i am so used to it. In which every year, i definitely have friendship problem. In actual, I AM NOT OKAY. NOT OKAY AT ALL. The feeling of abandonment is hard to accept.

Complications

Do you want to know her?

Do you want to try?

There is a girl

Whose life is a little complicated

She feels unloved and unwanted

She feels it is a waste to live in this world

Her heart is nearly broken

She is in lots of pain

She cuts herself to feel

She smiles at the blade

and feel the excitement for the pain

Are you scare to know her?

Are you scare to try?

Do you think her life is a little complicated?

If not, let me tell you the reasons

Her family cause her to have depression

Her friend forces her to feel abandonment

Her studies force her to lost confident

every little thing in her world collapsed by her side.

So, are you scared to know her now?

Are you scared to be by her side?

She screams and cries for help

Maybe a way out

she trapped in a world of hate

A world full of lies and tears

She lies on her bed at night

wondering why is she still here

And when she falls asleep

Nightmares haunt her

so are you still scared to know her?

Are you scared to try?

Don't you think her life is a little complicated?

Too late that girl died

They found her lying in a red ocean.

Her hand slit every which way

They waved her death away

like it was a everyday thing

She did't deserve to die

She deserved to live

But i guess when you are in hell

Heaven always wins.

Sem 2 break

So, currently I'm on holiday. holiday is actually quite boring, all i can do is sleep, eat and watch movie. My only plan in sem break is to rest and get ready for sem 3. when i look at sem 3 syallabus, oh gosh! all the subjects r so tough. i think i will be half dying in sem 3 before it start. My plan for sem 3 is to extend my revision time. Instead of 2 months revision, i plan to extend until 3 months.

After yw finish her EOS, we are going to Penang with 4 other friends. i am really excited abt it caus this is the second time we go travel together. We plan to eat a lot of famous penang food.haha, i think i need to have 2 stomachs to fill in all the food. Beside feeling happy, actually I feel a bit nervous about this trip. First, they are going to Penang escape park and I admit that I am afraid of height. So, i need to be steady and conquer the height. Second, they plan to ride bicycles to visit the wall painting and I donno how to ride. So, i think i will be walking for the whole journey.

overall sem 2 is quite ok. everything go smoothly in sem 2. No friendships problem thoughout the semester. In this semester, i learn that nothing is going to stop me from focusing in my study including friendships prob.

RISING

Walking in the shadow of fear
Drowning endlessly by failures
Running along side of self-discovery
Fearing the loss of self-recovery
Parts of the mind going unknown
Dangerous sides going insane
One day I will eventually die
So today make everything right.

I will rise after every fall
i will rise and stand even more tall

Like the sun which never dies
Though sets at night, it does rise everyday

Like the ocean whose tides
Though drown, but invariably they arise

After failing once,
Twice and Thrice
Again and Again

i will rise after every fall
After every fall, I will rise.

Angel Vs Devil

today i had a great day with j. Although the activity was very boring but then this was the first time we both we had outing. There was a delay of the bus when we wanted to return back to imu and j said she cannot wait until the delay time cause she will be late to dinner. Together, both of us and another friends sit taxi back to uni. i accompanied her in uni until her mum came and fetch her.  you must be asking why i need to accompanied her back to j although i am not rushing of time. The answer is i think as a friend, i should not leave her alone if i have the time to accompany her. Just like last time, i accompany y back to her vista in late of night. 

however, when a friendship started to fade, you will be asking why i need to spend so much time in friendship if i know it will soon end. it was such a waste of time to spend time to a people you know that will leaving soon. My answer is I don't know. sometimes you just don't know you need to care just like your angel fighting with your devil side.

Angel Vs Devil

My devil whispers, 

Into my ear,

'Let the hatred consume you'

'Ignite the fire in your heart'

My devil smiles warmly,

Her face so soft and kind

Telling me to learn to immerse myself

Into the cruelty of human kind.

My angel says

'Don't listen to her'

'The path she holds'

'Is full of sin'

My angel smiles softly with caring

She holds her arms out wide, 

Telling me it always okay to be wrong

You just need to be the best of yourselves.

Should i chose the devil,

And be warmed by her flame?

Should i choose the angel,

And feel the light again?

The angel and the devil,

Which one do i choose

The darkness or the light,

what would you decide to do?

"when memory never fade, the past can poison the present"